NATzees, Werewolves, and Inglorious Retreads: Movie Review of “Werewolves of the Third Reich”

 

“Put ze hands on ze head.”

—generic NATzee soldier

“Put ze face on ze palm.”

—generic lover of horror (me)

“Werewolves of the Third Reich.”   Ohhhhh how I wanted this to be an insane romp of such awful, heroic proportions, I would cheer once I got through laughing.

Supposedly , it’s about a “ragtag” group (ragtag translates to razor stubble, cussing, and drinking:  check, check, and check) of American soldiers in WWII, who discover Doctor Mengele’s  plan to create an army of Nazi Werewolves. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna spend 1.5 hours of their life witnessing THAT??!!

Let me save you the shame of having done so.

What’s good about this movie?  For a low/no budget beast, it’s got decent cinematographer.  Barely any shaky cam, and no feel of “done in mom’s basement” to it.  The locations aren’t great, but they work for the storyline.

And that, is where it blows apart like der Fuhrer’s parietal lobes on April 30, 1945.

“Werewolves of the Third Reich?”  Try Inglorious Retreads.  The dialogue occasionally steals lines from more modern movies and sayings, giving us some Forrest Gump moments that, out of context, are kind of fun. However, the characters are blatant theft.  Our antiheroes are deserters, and their leader is Mad Dog Murphy, the love child of Harry Callahan and Lt. Aldo Raine.  Sadly, this foul-mouthed, quietly growling antisocial alpha dog lacks any of the panache that made those two characters interesting, so his stolen lines come off like an impersonator at the Denny’s “Open Mic” night at exit 133 in Poughkeepsie.   Oh, and guess what Mad Dog loves doing most?  “Killing NATzees.” Yup, just like Aldo.Who are the rest of the rags tagging along?  Billy “The Butcher,” “Reckless” Reggie Brown, and “Fighting Joe” Kane.   They all hate authority, are on the outside of the good side of the good guys, aaaaand do some really stupid shit during fights to prove they got what it takes.  Oy vey.

These losers (no capital L for you, sorry) hook up, then come upon a NATzee encampment that appears (to them) to be a concentration camp.  Mad Dog says they can just go their way, or not, because the only he loves better than moving on, is “Killing NATzees.” Oh Mad Dog, just kill me and get it over with.  However, the movie is split into 4 chapters and an epilogue, and we get caught up in a NATzee love triangle, psycho SS NATzees, a bar scene opener that’s stolen damn near directly from Inglorious Basterds, and lots of lots of NO WEREWOLVES.

SPOILER ALERT, as if I could spoil this thing.

We don’t get a single damn Nazi  werewolf until the last fifteen or so minutes.  And he doesn’t even rampage.  He’s killed in the hallway outside the room in which he was turned, and so is his girlfriend (Mengele’s wife, see stupid NATzee love triangle above).  So, a movie about Werewolves of the Third Reich had about five minutes of Third Reich Werewolves.  TWO Third Reich Werewolves.  It’s like they did two because saying Werewolf of the Third Reich isn’t strong enough to get some suburban moron like, oooooh, ME, to rent this awful thing.  Which isn’t wrong, to be honest.

At least our ragtaggers saved that concentration camp, right?  Yup. All three of the inmates.  THREE.  TRES. DREI.  THERE WERE ONLY THREE IN THE CAMP.  Patton wept.

Anyway, this cinematic tragedy is full of talky talky, really bad action sequences, and not even any bewbs or manabs.

I love me the indie creators, but I’m sorry gang. This werewolf film is a dog.

—Mark

Werewolves of the Third Reich: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6359082/?ref_=nv_sr_1

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